3月17日：　Oddity

Oddity.

I just don't know what's going on today!

Everything went as normal, right? Definitely did better in pickleball, but it's our last day with it on Friday... then I gotta do basketball! I'm as tall as Merak! That's not fair!

I mean, no! Nothing was normal! Today was opposite day, meaning the teachers dressed like students and vice versa. Teachers... went to school... in pajama pants and crocs... my Phys Ed teacher... wearing a jacket, a beanie, and he was... SAGGING...

A LOT of teachers were dressed like edgars. Never again. I don't want to see teachers sagging ever again. Too scary.

Oh, and my Phys Ed teacher played some Weezer song. lol

Lunch was pretty awkward, and that didn't feel so good. Me and my crush were more quiet than usual. It didn't feel so good. But we went down from our lunch hiding spot and walked around campus until lunch was over.

Ah, and the dance is tomorrow. I'm not going, but my friend is... with her boyfriend. I hate those two, and not in the way I'm jealous. My hatred for commitment and whatever, too strong! My extreme distaste for people dating in middle school... I'm not THAT hypocritical! LOL

I fell asleep in CSE, and like... the whole time we wrote some CER... ew... its COMPUTER SCIENCE ESSENTIALS, not General Science... come on! I finished it, though, so I'm fine.

My friend had to leave early since her dad was gonna pick her up, and she has softball today, so like, I was alone for most of the time I wait around school. My friend, my internet friend Sigma... I dont know what's going on with her. I think she left the internet, or something.

I already texted it to you, but if you're even reading, I'll leave it here for you: I'm sorry for not being there with you so much. If you're leaving to take a break forever, I hope you take that time to grow and change positively. I wish nothing more but sunny skies and sweet times for you, okay?

(And to your sister too!)



Cut to when I get home, my dad's here, had some fire dinner, and I got the bins back into the backyard. I was like, talking to my crush and shit, yeah?

THIS IS WHERE I START VENTING. dont go any further if you dont want that! lol
fucking warned you



Okay, so for a while, it was all fine and dandy, yeah? We were talking like normal and cracking jokes and whatnot... but then like, he said something about how a girl walked up to him before he got to the lunch spot we always hang out around. He said that the girl told him, her friend liked him, and I told him to just say "I'll think about it" and never respond.

Well, a little after that, he asked why I wasn't upset, and I said that I really don't care. It sent the wrong message.

He said it like, took a hit to his mental heath.

See, like... this is why I'm pretty BAD for this guy. I'd rather we stayed friends for HIS own sake, because like, it's never been like this since I said I returned his feelings for me. I feel like my initial rejection... CAUSED his own fucking depression.

And like, he seems to have a hard time understanding me through text (which, fair, I talk weirdly when I'm so causal), but... like it affected him BADLY.

And every time I talk shit about myself, or show any kind of negative emotion, it makes me feel like it affects HIM too. And I don't want me to influence his mental state like that.

I've been honest with every time I said he should stop loving me, because I'm so bad. But he won't listen, right? Even though it's clear being with me is so bad, he won't...

I feel bad. I feel bad that whenever I show some kind of sorrow or self-pity, it's always blamed on himself for some reason. No matter how many times I say it's not his fault, I feel like he didn't believe me.

But, yeah, I guess... no, like...

I'm the bad guy here, right? I keep venting to him, and arguing with him, and he never asked to carry this weight. And now he does, on top of what he already deals with.

I feel like... he needs me to live, even though Im killing him.

Am I like, heroin personified for this guy? I don't want that for him. I don't want anyone to die because of me, but I feel like he's gonna kill himself either way.

Sorry, this is like, some stuipid fucking rant.

Please... it's just angst... I'm not fucking depressed...

Too immature to feel feelings like that... not now, not yet...