Warning: Unfortunately, this one is a vent!!!.
Mirage.
I want to start this out in the most “cool, mysterious” way I can before it devolves into madness.
Thoughts. Opinions, views, words. Swirl through my vacant mind, a blank soup being swirled by the ladle. I’m stuck with them, no matter how stupid I think I am. Always thinking, no matter how braindead the ideas are. Calculations, even as small as what I’ll wear today, are made no matter what.
Today, these thoughts boiled over the figurative pot. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t want to go back and check. A while after [dad_inside] left for her softball game, I went and talked to [Day] again on Discord. I don’t know what happened, but I remember suddenly talking trash about myself as per usual. It went downhill, of course, and it was worse than usual. I started to talk about how we wouldn’t ever be together in the future, or how I had little faith we’d be together after 8th grade.
Now, I really like [Day]— obviously. But for some reason, no matter how much people say things about me, just the good things, I can never see myself in that light. At this point, I don’t believe anything good said to me. I’ve seen and heard enough bad things about myself and others to never believe in the positive things about everyone most of the time— mainly myself.
It’s a regular thing to use myself as a punchline, but whenever it’s with [Day], it tends to always be serious. I degrade myself all the time when I talk to him over text. I always say how he’s so much better than me, how it’s stupid he like me because I’m so pathetic, you get the gist, right?
It always ends up terribly.
So, coming back to that chat, I ended up writing a whole paragraph on how pathetic I am and how I don’t want him to help me since it’ll just hurt him. I can’t accept the help since I don’t want to be perceived as more pathetic, more helpless and soft, than I already am. But he wouldn’t let up.
I kept saying the same things— don’t try to help me, it’ll hurt you… or, just stop trying, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed and you can’t force it… I even said things that were in an attempt to have him stop loving me?
I don’t remember much, besides the fact that he would pretty much die for me. And it made me feel… terrible. I’m not worth someone’s life, why is he willing to give his up for mine? I’m not as good as him— I’m worse in every aspect, objectively. And yet he still wants me to stick around, why? What makes me so special, when I’m so pathetic? So many other better people out there, and he chooses me. He joked about me falling back on him for help later down the line of life, and… like, if you’re really going to acknowledge just how pathetic I am, just— think about it. Do you really want to be around me?
And he’s fucking suicidal. Suicidal. I only found that out after a while of talking to him one day. And like, seeing as how I’ve been a little more miserable this month, like, I feel responsible for that. I feel responsible for making him depressed, because when we talk, all I talk about is how I’m terrible for him.
For gods sake, he loves me! He has a crush on me! And I’ve acknowledged it before— saying all these things about me might be harmful. But still, it’s his fault, really. He loves me, that’s his mistake. It should only be one-way: me to him, but he doesn’t reciprocate. But he does… and… it doesn’t make sense to me… but— that’s besides the point, no? [Day] knows I’m pathetic, still sticks around, and is depressed. I’m the only one keeping him alive…?
I feel really guilty for everything. I didn’t want him to be like this. I don’t want to cause mental or emotional pain, since it’s like the kind of pain that corrodes the soul. The soul is the most important, and I’m breaking his. I’m breaking his by talking to him in a depressing way every time. He thinks he failed as a friend, failed as a “lover,” because of what I said. And that made me feel even worse, since I didn’t want him to feel worse and blame himself either!
I keep telling him I’m not healthy for him at all, and that he should just leave me be. He said in response that he wants to help me with whatever I’m going through, and that he wants to suffer with me, or whatever. I don’t want that. I’d rather suffer alone than someone be dragged with me, because they didn’t deserve it— I did.
I deserve every bad thing coming to me. Especially with how I treat my friends. I’m terrible, I’m realizing that just now. I pretty much beat [dad_inside], I ridicule [Day] about his choices regarding me, everyone else I just yell at? What kind of fucking friend is that? A shitty one, that is.
I’m surprised anyone even sticks around. I’m terrible. Vulgar, loud, weird, everyone thinks I’m Special Ed…? I’m terrible. Pathetic. Worthless. No one sees what I do, because they’re all blind. I honestly have nothing going for me.
And you know what? I don’t feel particularly miserable right now— more guilty than anything. But… like… I’m feeling it pretty hard right now.
Are these feelings even real?
Like… do I even like [Day]? If I did, I’d improve myself for him. Yet, every time, I beat myself up in front of him every time I talk to him after school, and then he ends up carrying the guilt while I cry from the conversation. It adds to his mental weight, and it makes him feel like he’s terrible because of how I feel towards him.
But these feelings… they aren’t his fault at all. I feel like they’ve lingered and gotten worse this school year.
Here’s this kicker though— I don’t know if they’re even real or not. I can’t tell these feelings between chimera and reality. I’m always so happy, able to just feel normal after crying. Never felt any signs of depression. Never felt hopeless, in the genuine sense. So am I actually depressed? Do I actually hate myself?
Usually, I’m always acting, joking around, exaggerating, hell, sometimes I even play things up for attention. But sometimes, or usually… I can’t tell any of this apart at all. I can’t tell if I’m serious.
The rambling is getting confusing, huh?
I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to process the fizzled-out emotion. You want quotes? I can hand over my key paragraph to him… fair warning, I use the words “retarded” and “masochistic,” and I shouldn’t have used any of them.
please dont burden yourself with the task of assisting the retarded, pathetic and futurless little girl. i never asked for this. never asked to be helped. never wanted to be loved because then id have someone to live for. if no one was with me i could live a peaceful life in hell knowing no one would mourn my loss. you might mean your words, but ive been so desensitized to words like them, to the point where even if it's proven to be genuine, no matter how much i force my mind, i cant accept it at all. closed mouths dont get fed; you cant really just force in the spoon-- im sorry, sorry for being so masochistic and self-harming in this way, but even if i tried, i couldnt even help myself. it was over the moment promotion ended. the future ahead is looking bleak for me, if there even is one in sight at all. and if you're going to stick around, you're only going to be forced to walk down my path. i dont want to hurt you like this, i really dont. im not one to want to cause psychological damage-- physical is okay, but i draw the line where it will eat away at the essential core of one's soul over longer periods of time. the body may be broken but not the spirit if i keep hitting people, but i cant just hurt you mentally and emotionally. so really, i dont want to hurt you like that because i dont want you to suffer like that because of me. i could never live knowing i hurt you like that. but now i feel stupid writing this, since my words, my hopelessness, self-hatred, and the amount of times ive said i wasnt worth your time and your heart, i feel like it hurts you in some way. i dont know what im talking about anymore. i dont know, i dont know, i dont know... im sorry for everything, even as i go, ive lost my way on the path that was as pristine as a summer day's sky-- im confused on what the whole point was now... i just- i just- like- i just want you, to not hurt yourself trying to help me, when im too blind to even realize i need it. so i keep refusing it and making myself worse. i feel worse now- i feel so fucking awkward, so shitty and terrible just dumping this all here, and im sorry. i dont- im going to end it here. ive lost the whole point.
…I feel so bad. Really, I do. I had a brief chance to look back on what we said. I started out really happy, but once he started being serious, it went downhill.
He feels like a bystander whenever he tries to help me. So I tell him to just stop. He won’t listen.
He’s so dense when it comes to me. I’m not worth his time— why can’t he see that? I don’t deserve to have anyone sacrifice their life for me. He’s insane if he thinks I’m that important.
He’s so stupid when it comes to things like this.
I probably ended up making him cry.
I’m probably the bad guy then.
I hate everyone. Me especially.
But I can’t even tell if I’m serious. Aren’t I too immature to be like this? I’m supposed to be the air headed happy-go-lucky dumbass of the group. What happened? It’s probably a subconscious act, I hope.
I don’t want to be like this any longer. Ever since I got here into 7th grade, it’s been a bumpy road. Right now, it’s a decline.